Chapter 33

Wow, there was definitely a lot of reaction to the last chapter and I just want to say thank you for your thoughts and passion and encouragement!

Mya curled her fingers around the steaming mug of strong, black coffee and tried not to listen to the woman across the table from her chewing loudly on her Cheerio’s.

They weren’t the normal, plain kind either, nor were they the good for you kind with the honey and nuts. They were the sugary, colourful fruit kind. Something about that struck her as pathetic and only served to underline how young her father’s girlfriend was.

Not that he was here to see his girlfriend chasing her cereal around one of his Italian ceramic Insalata bowls. He had long since driven off, heading for campus, which made Mya wonder if his girlfriend should be at class or not. Not that she planned to ask. If she could help it, she didn’t plan to even talk to the woman, although that was beginning to prove difficult.

She’d run home to lick her wounds, looking for sympathy and the arms of her mother. It hadn’t been a very well thought through plan.

Her mother had gathered her in her arms and made soothing noises while she cried, but the minute that Mya had got up to go to the bathroom to splash cold water on her face her mother had forgotten why she was there or who she was.

For his part, her father had done his best to make sympathetic gestures and had even patted her back as he sat on the edge of her old single bed. It hadn’t lasted long though, and soon he’d retired to his study, behind closed and locked doors and there the sympathy and parental care had ended. He’d been far more concerned with idea of being old enough to be a grandfather than he had with his daughter’s physical or emotional well being.

Still, home, such as it was, was better than Pittsburgh.

Tish had insisted on taking her in, but Mya had only lasted a single night in their guest room. Waking up in the middle of the night to the cries of the twins had been more than she could take. Despite Tish’s arguments against it, the very next morning, Mya had climbed on a plane and headed for the coast.

Time and space, she hoped, would heal the gaping, bleeding wound in her heart.

Except it still ached, she knew, reaching down to place her hand against her stomach. Her baby was gone. She hadn’t really had time to get used to the idea, to really feel what it felt like to be pregnant, but what she did feel now was empty. Like something was missing.

Of course it wasn’t just that quickening of life inside of her that was gone.
The engagement ring Sidney had given her was on the bedside table at Tish and Jordy’s, if Tish hadn’t found it yet. If she had, Mya wondered to herself, had she given it back to Sidney or had she put it in the safe in their bedroom?

She hoped that Tish, or maybe even Jordan, had returned it to Sidney. It would save her from having to do it herself, she thought with a sigh as she tipped the cup of dark, rich coffee to her lips.

Closing her eyes she savoured slightly nutty, almost burnt taste of the Arabica beans. At least she could count on one thing. Coffee was almost always good. It almost always made her feel better. She’d missed it when she’d given it up as soon as she’d found out about the baby....

No, she admonished herself for the hundredth time. She couldn’t think about the baby. No, not the baby, she told herself firmly, the pregnancy. It was better to think of it as an ‘it’, not a person, and it was better not to think of it at all, because every time she did, she would think of Sidney, and she wasn’t sure which hurt worse.

As the hot, dark liquid slid down her throat, Mya took stock of her insides. The dull ache in her chest, she told herself, was not a broken heart. It was just sore muscles from crying. It would go away in a day or two. The emptiness in her stomach wasn’t a missing baby, it was hunger. She tried to remember when the last time she’d had something to eat was. Three days, maybe four?

That was one of the worst things about the miscarriage she thought darkly, one of the most unfair. Her breasts still hurt. Her hormones were still out of control and she still couldn’t stand the smell of things she’d liked before, like bacon, like fresh baked bread.

No, she corrected herself with a wry smile. Not the worst, just inconvenient. The worst...well she couldn’t decide what the worst was. Not yet, although she had to admit that it would have been nice if he’d at least call to see if she was okay.

The fact that he’d just walked out on her on what seemed now like the worst day of her life...well it was pretty fucking unbelievable and Mya was having a hard time trying to forgive him for it and she’d tried. She really had.

She’d also tried to think of a single reason that would explain how the normally sweet and thoughtful young man she believed she loved could do something so cold, but no matter how hard she tried, the only reasons she could think of seemed either truly farfetched, or worse, truly un-fucking-forgivable.

Had he just got cold feet? Was he cheating? Had he seen a nurse that looked better to him? As hard as she tried, Mya couldn’t make herself believe any of the fanciful daydreams she came up with to explain his behaviour.

There was, however, one idea that she could believe, though she tried not to.

If he’d lied when he said he didn’t need the pregnancy to want to marry her that meant he didn’t really love her. It meant he only wanted to legitimize his child, his progeny. She tried not to, but if it was true, and Sidney was that calculating, then maybe everything else had been a lie and that...well that made the ach in her chest turn into a sharp pain. Like maybe her heart wasn’t just broken. Maybe it was just gone.

Because she knew if he could do that, she hadn’t really known him at all. And if she could love someone like that...well, then she never wanted to fall in love again...ever.

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“You are an incredible ass, you know that?”

Sidney snorted and shook his head, but didn’t look up from tying his skates.

“And here I thought you’d be over the moon that I was single again. I thought you’d bring me a fucking bottle of JD and say ‘hey, single buddy, let’s go cruising’,” Sidney sighed, switching to his other skate before looking up at Max who was still standing over him, or rather looming over him, with a thunderous look on his face, which didn’t at all go along with the usually perky, happy go lucky if somewhat moody personality the forward usually had.

“No, I think you’re a fucking moron. A lunatic. Merde Sainte Sid. What were you thinking letting that girl go?” Sidney narrowed his eyes at his friend and waited for that twitch at the corner of his mouth that would signal that Max was about to laugh because this had to be a joke. Max was a consummate bachelor. No he was the consummate bachelor and he firmly believed that everyone else should follow his lead; be single, carefree and fuck everything that moves.

Sidney waited, and waited but Max didn’t crack so much of as the hint of a smile. In fact he continued to stand there, looming, looking disapprovingly down at where Sidney was sitting half in and half out of his gear.

“Okay, what gives?” Sidney asked finally, reaching for a roll of hockey tape, something, anything to keep his hands busy, which had pretty much been his state of mind for about a week. Don’t think, that was his new motto. Practice, work out, drink a bottle of JD, sleep and don’t dream. Just don’t think. Thinking was dangerous and, he’d decided, frankly overrated. “You were pissed at me for getting engaged. I’m not engaged anymore. I thought you’d be throwing me a fucking party.”

“I’ll tell you what I will do. I’ll pay for whatever expensive weekend or trip to Paris or what the fuck ever you need to do to get the poor girl back. That’s what I’ll fucking do,” Max snarled and Sidney stopped winding the tape around the blade of his stick and stared at his teammate as if he’d never seen him before, which is exactly what it felt like. This didn’t sound like Max. This wasn’t Superstar.

“I don’t get it Max. What’s this really about? What? You think I’m not playing well or something? Is that it? Are you going to give me that speech again about how I need to get laid and how I can’t play with blue balls? Is that it? Because if that’s where you’re going with this, just save it ‘cuz I’m pretty sure that’s how I got into this fucking shit storm in the first place.” Sidney went back to taping his stick, because he needed to focus on something else, something beside the pair of dark eyes that were glaring at him, questioning him. He’d done enough of that himself. He’d had the twenty questions from Mario and the ‘I told you so’ bullshit from his father, not to mention the ‘how could you’ speed from Tish and Jordan.
Getting it from Max...well that was just bullshit, plain and simple. Max didn’t care about his personal life, not unless it involved some kind of alcohol fuelled toga party.

“You’re right you don’t get it,” Max sighed, shaking his head and letting out one of those long, slow sighs. It reminded Sid suddenly of his mother, the sound that she made when Sid had broken a window with a puck, or when he hadn’t done his homework because he’d been out playing street hockey after dark. That disappointed but not surprised sound.

“Whatever Max.” Sid bit back the ‘fuck you’ and the ‘go fuck yourself’ that he wanted to add. Fighting with his teammates would only add to his misery, and if it was one thing he didn’t need, it was more of that.

“Yeah, that’s right. Whatever. Sweep it under the rug, huh Sidney? Break your word, break her heart, you know, whatever. A little piece of your soul dies, you know, whatever. Yeah...that’s good. Okay, you do that Sid. You do that and see how good you feel huh?” Max finally grinned as he placed a hand on each of Sidney’s shoulders and stared him straight in the face. “Take it from me Super Boy,” he added, pitching his voice lower so that it sounded threatening but firm, so that Sidney had to listen. “Being all alone when you’re ninety because you’re too chicken to get through the rough times...it’s going to suck, non?”

______________________________________________________________________

Dealing with Grief

Trying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy after Miscarriage

Empty Arms: Hope & Support for Those Who Have Suffered a Miscarriage

Holding on to Faith: Hope after Miscarriage

Piece of My Heart: Living Through the Grief of Miscarriage

Mya ran her fingers down the spines of the books in front of her and felt her eyes well up. She could hardly think about it. She couldn’t imagine reading about it, and yet...she had no one to talk to.

Well that wasn’t strictly true. She talked to her mother. She had talked to her mother just this morning. They’d had tea.

The problem was her mother seemed to think that she was the neighbour across the street they’d had when she was about four. She kept calling her Irene.

Her father, in his infinite wisdom had suggested she join some kind of support group. His exact words had been something to the effect of ‘isn’t there some group...MA or something you could go to?’

MA. Miscarriages Anonymous. The thought made her smile as she turned her back on the section and headed over toward the fantasy and science fiction section. A good, lush fantasy world might do the trick, she hoped, as she waded into the section with all the big thick tomes by the likes of Tolkein, Tepper, Armstrong, Hamilton, and de Lint. She ran her fingers down their titles and felt a sort of peace steal into her heart.

Lord of the Rings

A Plague of Angels

A Lick of Frost

Bitten

The Mystery of Grace

She pulled out one of the books and opened it, grinning at the creaking sound it made. She loved being the first to open a hardcover. She was already imagining herself curled up with a box of chocolates, under a throw, reading....

“Is that a good one? Do you know?” Mya looked up to find herself looking into a pair of impossibly blue eyes. They weren’t ice blue, or robin’s egg blue. They were sky blue, very, very blue. “It’s just...I like to get something to read on the plane. I mean...I’m starting to. I mean...I didn’t used to. I used to sort of just listen to music and whatever and play cards with the boys but I’m not really good at cards and...I’m sorry. I’m pretty much rambling here. My name’s Shane,” he said, sticking his hand out towards her. “I have this habit of rambling when I meet a pretty girl.” Mya knew she was grinning but couldn’t help it. He was...adorable; like a big, dumb teddy bear, but...adorable.

“Mya. Don’t I...do I know you?” she asked, tilting her head to one side as she looked up into those sky blue eyes, framed by long dark lashes and a spattering of freckles across a nose that look like it had taken its’ fair share of right hooks in its time.

“I don’t think so. I mean, I’m pretty sure I’d remember someone as pretty as you,” he grinned, showing a chipped tooth in an otherwise broad, generous smile. Mya felt her cheeks heat and ducked her head, hiding behind her hair.

“This is a good one,” she suggested, turning to reach for a book behind her. “It’s Vikings and raids and all that. You look like you could appreciate a good fight,” she added, turning to hand it to him to find him leaning in to sniff at her hair.

“You smell good,” he grinned, “I can appreciate that.” He was flirting with her, outrageously and he wasn’t even making an attempt to be subtle. It made her skin tingle and she couldn’t stop smiling like an idiot.

“You...um, you should read that on the plane,” she mumbled, realizing that her hand was shaking as his long fingers brushed hers when he took the book from her.

“Thanks for this. I will. The guys will think I’m trying to get smart or sumthin’,” he added as he slipped the big book open and glanced at how many pages it had in it. “So uh...you want to get some coffee or something?” he offered, looking hopeful as he stood there, looking down at her with those big, big blue eyes.

She should say no. Two weeks ago she’d been set to marry Sidney, was going to have his baby... Of course all of that was over now. Sidney hadn’t even called her. Not so much a text, an email, nothing. So if it was over....

“Coffee sounds good. I like coffee,” she said quietly and watched the big man’s grin grow impossibly wide as he bobbed his head, sending part of the dark thatch of hair on his head forward. She watched as he brushed it aside before offering to take the book she was holding out of her hand.

“Let me get that for you,” he said, his hand brushing hers’ as he tried to take it.

“That’s okay,” she replied, holding fast to the book and looking back at him quizzically. Buying her a coffee was one thing. A thirty dollar book....

“Hey, I’m a professional hockey player. It’s no problem,” he grinned, taking the book and stacking it on top of his before offering her his arm.

“Professional...what?” she asked, her heart sinking.

“I play for the Canucks. C’mon. You don’t watch hockey? I thought everyone in this city watched hockey.”

“I...I watch hockey. I just...I just....” She wanted to run. She wanted a hole in the floor to open up and swallow her whole. She wanted a portal to another dimension to open and drag her through the rabbit’s hole. “I just remembered I have to be somewhere. It was nice to meet you Shane,” she mumbled, turning on her heel and practically running for the door, leaving the big defenseman standing there with the books in his hand staring after her.
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“Do you even remember what you went through to get her?” Jordan asked as they sat in the hotel room, in the semi dark. Sidney hadn’t been able to sleep and Jordan couldn’t sleep unless Sidney did. Normally Sidney roomed with Fleur but the young goalie kept giving him that look lately, the same disappointed ‘I can’t believe you’ look that Mario and Nathalie kept giving him. He couldn’t stand it.

Jordan’s wife didn’t approve either. But she wasn’t on the road trip and Jordan was pussy whipped, there was no doubt about that, but when they were on the road, she loaned him his balls.

“Sure,” Sidney replied at long last. “But...I don’t know. I think I just realized it was all happening too fast. I think maybe we need a break,” he added, which is what he had convinced himself was happening. They were on a break, taking some time apart to get their bearings. At least that’s what he was doing. All he knew was that Mya had gone running home to Vancouver, jacked in her job and school and went home to her mommy and the only reason he knew that was because Gronk had told him so. Tish had told him not to but more often than not, Jordan couldn’t keep a secret.

“Yeah well, you know what happened to Ross and Rachel when they were ‘on a break’,” Jordan replied, lacing his fingers behind his head and staring at the ceiling.

“What are trying to say Gronk? Do you think I’d cheat on My?” Sidney asked, still wondering to himself why Max hadn’t tried to drag him down to the club earlier when he and Duper and TK had gone girl hunting.

“I’m saying she’s a beautiful girl and she’s pretty pissed at you so...I’m saying she’s probably going to move on if you don’t get your head out of your ass pretty quick,” Jordan sighed, closing his eyes and letting out a long sigh.

“She’s not like that,” Sidney heard himself reply defensively. “She wouldn’t do that.”

“She returned the ring, didn’t she?” Jordan asked passively. “Put yourself in her shoes man. If you think you’re grieving, imagine how she’s feeling and you’re not there to lend her a shoulder to cry on and I’m sure there’s plenty of guys who’d be willing to....”

“She’s not like that,” Sidney growled, grabbing his pillow and turning his back on Jordan, screwing his eyes shut. “She wouldn’t...fuck it’s only been a couple weeks. I was going to call her...I just...I just needed some space.”

“I’m just saying,” Jordan yawned. “If you were in her shoes and some big hunk came along to make her feel better...you know...if I was single and in Vancouver and....”

“And shut up Jordan okay? Mya’s not like that. She’s not just going to jump into bed with some guy. I’m sure she’s still...working stuff out for herself. I’ll call her tomorrow...or in a day or two,” Sidney mumbled, punching his pillow and trying not to see the vision suddenly creeping into his head of Mya in some other man’s arms.

“Your funeral man. Whatever you think. You know her better than me,” Jordan added sleepily and Sidney thought that that sounded about right. He did know her better. She wasn’t like that. She was probably laying in the dark thinking about him just like he was thinking about her. No one was cheating on anyone. She wouldn’t even think about it. She was probably still working things out for herself. She didn’t have time to look for other men just like he wasn’t looking for anyone else.

Sidney took a deep breath and told himself to relax. He had to stop listening to other people. He’d freaked out, reacted badly. The whole hospital thing had really fucked with his head, brought back memories of Randi and messed with his mind. He hadn’t been thinking straight and it had taken him some time to figure out just exactly what had happened. But now that he did have it straight in his head, he was going to wait until this road trip was done and then he was going to call her, when he had more time and there weren’t a lot of people around to listen in. She would understand that.

Mya was a smart girl. She’d probably already figured out what had taken him so long to come to terms with. She was probably waiting for him to come to her and he would.
In a few days.

In the mean time, he needed some sleep and he needed to stop thinking about her and definitely about her and some other guy, because that would never happen, not in a million years.